Internet Dating- A Blessing or a Curse?
April 24th 2008 07:16
Ever since I started kiwiauthor, my friends have always said I should write something about internet dating and my experiences on there etc? I have always resisted as felt that it might not be interesting enough for my readers and its bit of a personal thing really but after the latest episode of internet dating thought maybe I would.
Internet dating appears to be a huge growth area and although there are hundreds of sites in many countires, for this article I will just focus on the two that I have experience with.
NZ Dating and Findsomeone are the to main ones here in NZ, with NZ Dating being free and FSO charging $19.95 a month.
As to be expected with a free site, there appear to be some genuine people on there but also quite a few strange people too. Whereas FSO, as you have to pay monthy should weed out the players and time wasters. Over the last six months there has been various newspaper articles about online dating and how married people use it for a fling etc. apparently Christchurch has the highest % of internet daters in NZ, not too sure if that is a good thing or bad, as either means lots of single people or lots of cheaters??
For anyone who hasn't been on a internet dating site before, you have a basic profile of yourself, in which you write as much or as little as you want, bit like a CV really before adding a pic of yourself. Then you can decide on your search criteria requirements, eg smoker, non smoker, kids etc and do a search.
This will bring up a list of possible matches for you to look at, although for me this is where one of the problems with online dating starts. We live in a consumer driven society and online dating is almost like shopping. Whereas before you would meet just one person through friends or at work, now you can quite easily meet a couple of different people every night for a week if you so wanted?
Is this a good thing? Some people I know enjoy that kind of thing although I feel that its too distracting to multi date and prefer to focus on that one special person.
My experiences online? Well these have been interesting to say the least. I have met married women (tip, if you take your ring off, remember the tan line). didn't go any further there, multi daters, easy to spot , confused people who I quote advise ' I like you but just want to see what else is out there?' Not too much to say to that really apart from 'off you go then'.
The strangest thing I have found as even though you put clearly on your profile, no cheaters, players, confused people still hankering after an ex,(an ex is an ex for a reason) they still contact you and date you for anywhere from a couple of weeks to 3 months before the truth comes out.
As to why , who would know? As I can't work out why if someone still has a thing for an ex, why they put themselves out there? As this not only wastes everyones time but is also very disappointing for the other party involved (speak from experience).
Overall, I have met a couple of very nice people who even though we didn't click rel wise, we are still good friends, other than that I'm not convinced with online dating as its too easy to multi date, for some people its an addiction and having been on and off there over the last few years, haven't seemed to have met anyone who actually wants a great long term relationship.
I would be interested to hear of my readers experiences, good or bad and if they know of any long term success stories?
This post is due to bit of a disappointment today on that front so thought why not express it for once online.
cheers
Heath
Internet dating appears to be a huge growth area and although there are hundreds of sites in many countires, for this article I will just focus on the two that I have experience with.
NZ Dating and Findsomeone are the to main ones here in NZ, with NZ Dating being free and FSO charging $19.95 a month.
As to be expected with a free site, there appear to be some genuine people on there but also quite a few strange people too. Whereas FSO, as you have to pay monthy should weed out the players and time wasters. Over the last six months there has been various newspaper articles about online dating and how married people use it for a fling etc. apparently Christchurch has the highest % of internet daters in NZ, not too sure if that is a good thing or bad, as either means lots of single people or lots of cheaters??
For anyone who hasn't been on a internet dating site before, you have a basic profile of yourself, in which you write as much or as little as you want, bit like a CV really before adding a pic of yourself. Then you can decide on your search criteria requirements, eg smoker, non smoker, kids etc and do a search.
This will bring up a list of possible matches for you to look at, although for me this is where one of the problems with online dating starts. We live in a consumer driven society and online dating is almost like shopping. Whereas before you would meet just one person through friends or at work, now you can quite easily meet a couple of different people every night for a week if you so wanted?
Is this a good thing? Some people I know enjoy that kind of thing although I feel that its too distracting to multi date and prefer to focus on that one special person.
My experiences online? Well these have been interesting to say the least. I have met married women (tip, if you take your ring off, remember the tan line). didn't go any further there, multi daters, easy to spot , confused people who I quote advise ' I like you but just want to see what else is out there?' Not too much to say to that really apart from 'off you go then'.
The strangest thing I have found as even though you put clearly on your profile, no cheaters, players, confused people still hankering after an ex,(an ex is an ex for a reason) they still contact you and date you for anywhere from a couple of weeks to 3 months before the truth comes out.
As to why , who would know? As I can't work out why if someone still has a thing for an ex, why they put themselves out there? As this not only wastes everyones time but is also very disappointing for the other party involved (speak from experience).
Overall, I have met a couple of very nice people who even though we didn't click rel wise, we are still good friends, other than that I'm not convinced with online dating as its too easy to multi date, for some people its an addiction and having been on and off there over the last few years, haven't seemed to have met anyone who actually wants a great long term relationship.
I would be interested to hear of my readers experiences, good or bad and if they know of any long term success stories?
This post is due to bit of a disappointment today on that front so thought why not express it for once online.
cheers
Heath
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Comment by Anonymous
I don't know if you feature guest contributers on your blog - but if so here are some of my thoughts.
Internet Dating - A Blessing or a Curse? Thoughts from the Girls' Team
Your piece on Internet Dating, resonated with the experience of this late 30 something who has been, and has female friends who are, Internet Dating. Most of my single friends have tried Internet Dating at some point, but to date, none of us has had any success past the first couple of phone calls and initial "meet for a coffee".
This is something that has puzzled me, as without wishing to self-promote, we all scrub up not too bad. If I created a fictional composite and called her Jane, Jane would be in her late 30's, university educated, employed, own her own home, and is well travelled, and whilst no longer 20 years old, she hasn't had any man state, "jeez you'd chew your arm off if you woke up next to her..." (Yes, guys we do know you say things like this).
Now I can hear all you men out there thinking - Jane is one of those women who won't settle for the average kiwi bloke. I can assure you that Jane has tried dating outside her educational and professional status. Whilst hoping for well presented, Jane has messaged men who aren't going to win Cleo Bachelor of the Year. In fact if his photo would suggest such talents, Jane is likely see a red light - as "too good to be true and interested in me, usually is exactly that, too good to be true".
Let's set aside the people online who are there for less than genuine reasons, they exist in all walks of life, and whilst frustrating are relatively easy to weed out. Let's focus on the "outgoing, genuine, normal people out there, who are looking for a "let's be friends first" relationship with someone who likes eating out, movies and good conversation.
After many conversations with friends, after yet another disappointing meet up - I have come to the conclusion that Internet Dating is a reflection of the less desirable aspects of our society where anything can be ordered to specification; that time is of the essence; risk is to be avoided at all costs; and the individual rules. The difficulty with this being - in real life - you don't pick friendships and relationships - they pick you. When was the last time you joined a club or started a new job and, armed with your list of criteria, picked out which of the people was going to be your new friend. I can certainly remember times when the person I was least sure of initially, has become one of my closest friends.
Internet Dating turns the world of human relationships on it's head. If we roughly look at how this works: 1) Decide you want a relationship right now; 2) Decide what your criteria is for a long term relationship; 3) Find out who meets your relationship criteria; 4) If that person does not make any gaffes; 5) Meet up with them on the basis that a relationship might ensue; 6) If that goes well, become friends if not, never see them again 7) Get to know someone.
Does anyone other than me see any problems with that? Try reading the list the other way from 7 to 1. Doesn't that seem a bit more normal? The main themes I seem to hear about Internet Dating is that of risk and disappointment - or should that be risk of disappointment. Risk of disappointment is part of real life team, and as clever as we think we might be, we cannot insulate ourselves against this.
The reasons I've heard for people not meeting up again range from, "I didn't like the way he sucked this chocolate off his coffee bean", hardly a friendship breaker; or "I don't know if I feel like a relationship right now", how many of us hold that thought consistently, even when we are in a relationship; to "I don't need any more friends" please, a world with too many friends or good people in it...I wish!! In an online world where we fear disappointment and being judged, we end up doing exactly that to other people.
Which leads to my other issue with Internet Dating. I have yet to talk to anyone who doesn't feel uncomfortable about Internet Dating and a tad embarassed. Wrapped in our own defensive insulation we project this discomfort on to others and seem to treat those we message and meet with ever so slightly less respect and empathy than we would those we meet in real life. We also seem to value those developing relationships less. As a friend of mine recently explained, it is disappointing to discontinue contact, that person has been part of your life and in your living room via the internet for a number of days before you meet, and when they go - it is a kind of loss. To believe anything less is to deny our essential humanity and to deny our own hopes.
I do believe there are potential positives in Internet Dating if used as a shortcut for meeting new people of the opposite gender, who are single and share some of the same interests FULL STOP. Internet Dating, A Blessing or a Curse? WE decide.
NJM
Comment by kiwiauthor
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and also to place such a well written and thoughtful comment, very interesting and spot on actually. always happy to post articles, features online so feel free to email any further interesting itmes to kiwiauthor@xtra.co.nz
Cheers
Heath